Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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