Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
