I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
