She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
