I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
