The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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