you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
