Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
