Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
