That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
