I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
