Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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