I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
