my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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