after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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