This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
