We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
