oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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