ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
