I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
