It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
