in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
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Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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