I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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