To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
