Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
