I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
