You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Let's paint friendship bongs
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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