Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
