Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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