all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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