A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
