i already hear my dad disowning me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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