the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
