she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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