We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
