I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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