Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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