hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
