I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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