Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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