If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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