apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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