I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
