Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
