he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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