the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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