She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
