I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
