we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
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she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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