I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
