I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
