I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
