Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
