3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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