last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will be naked everywhere
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
