between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
