if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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