So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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