when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
