My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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