i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
